Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No problem is so big and difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else.

   I smile because I don't know what's going on.

   I'm sorry liver...its St Patricks day. You can file the restraining order tomorrow.

   "if you dont expect anything, you wont be let down"- Magean Brents

   My Doctor said I have a deficiency of vitamin C in my body. I guess Stoli Orange it's not a good source of vitamin C.

   Did you know that if you plug your nose and close your mouth, you can't hum? Try it.

   thinking about trick or treating at the local brothel this Sunday. That way I can have both and don't have to choose.

   So....she said I was as smooth as Ken. That's a good thing, right?!?

   ‎"Kate Middleton will be the first commoner to marry an heir to the throne in 350 years"........ So now we all know how often royalty can go without adding any beauty genes into their pool!

   The Lawyer's Creed: "A man is innocent until proven broke."

   Chaos, panic, disorder - my work here is done.

   They need to change the sign from "Speed Limit" to "Required Speed."

   My moral compass always gets me lost.

   Dong. Oh Dong! Where is my automobile?

   3.14159 I love you when you're covered in ice cream.

   The defendant was acquitted of stealing twenty-three bottles of beer. Prosecutors couldn't make a case of it.

   that you shouldn't base your life on what other people think!

   Dear politicians: don't kid yourself for a moment that I'll believe a single word you say in the next month. Seriously. Save your breath.

   doesn't allow men to smoke in his room, but women can. Hell, they can barbecue a goat if they want.

   drunker then a two dollar hooker on topless tuesday.."