Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela

   We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.

   I started playing the new Facebook game, Oilville, but now I can't make it stop.

   Every Morning I wake up and think, "Don't let it slip about Darth Vader being Luke's Dad." It's hard having a 5 year old who doesn't KNOW.

   not a Russian spy; regardless of what the news says!

   If you've seen one child on a leash, you've seen a mall

   We have so much in common. You want to travel . . . I want you to go . . .

   ...is about as useful today as an appendix transplant...

   How come Batman doesn't sleep upside down?

   When somebody says "I'm really bad with directions," that translates to me as "I'm too stupid to read road signs."

   -- I was playing golf with my missus the other day..She is absolutely horrific at driving and much better just using an iron the whole time. .....As for the golf she wasn't that bad......

   How about you climb down from your high pedestal and join the rest of us! This is where you belong anyways...

   Q: Why do women live longer than men?Because Shopping never causes heart attacks,but paying the bill does!

   I can't believe there are so many privacy risks involved in broadcasting my entire life on Facebook

   dear facebook,stop spamming my wall with dating site Ads or am going to change my relationship status from single to married and sue you for temptation.love,me.

   Last night I said to the wife let's get rated R. So I pulled down my pants and she cussed and punched me in the face.

   First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down...

   I'm in the mood for Sushi but the Japanese place near me doesn't take credit cards. I'm gunna have raw toast instead.

   Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

   Do it tomorrow. You've made enough mistakes for today.