Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   happy and I knew it and then I clapped my hand, everyone thought I was weirdo :/

   Some people are wise, Some are just other wise.

   There's no law against sticking to your guns, but make sure you've loaded your brain before you start firing off your mouth.

   If I ever lose a hand I'm definitely replacing it with a single nunchuck on a chain

   I offend people in a nice way

   I don't think I should be held responsible for the things I say to fill awkward silences.

   Reports are in that Hugo Chjavez has died....hmmmmm ✔ Saddam Hussein ✔ Osama Bin Ladden ✔ Moammar Gadhafi ✔Kim Jong IL ❒Fidel Castro ✔Hugo Chavez - Not good timesr for my Fantasy Dictator League...

   Dennis rodman is the Jane Fonda of this generation

   Does anyone out there realize that reality shows are scripted and are not really reality?

   Just sat up to reach for the TV remote. My abs are going to be crazy sore tomorrow!

   Let's send Kim Kardashian to N. Korea!!

   anyone celebrating anything today? Anything at all... doesn't matter what. I just need something to drink to.

   The rhinoceros is just a fat, lazy unicorn

   When a girl doesn't invite me up to her place after a date I just assume it's because she's a hoarder with 30 kitty cats.

   Can't we just sit and drink somewhere until they build a bar around us?

   My liver works harder for two days than I do all week...

   I Love when my Friends help to Identify themselves as Technologically-Retarded Idiots by changing their Status to: "WOW I cant believe that you can see who is viewing your Profile!"...

   Welcome to Hollister would you like a gas mask, flashlight, or earplugs?

   Calm down, take a deep breath and hold it for about 20 minutes.

   I remember when a wasted weekend had absolutely nothing to do with being unproductive.