Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   better yet ... we shoulda just captured bin Laden .... tied him to the tallest pole, atop the highest mountain .... and flown a plane into him.

   just ate from an unmarked tupperware container at the back of the fridge. I think it was chicken yogurt.

   Don't you just hate those people that just stroll across the street like they are so important/cool and have no consideration for anybody else? I'm changing the sound of my horn to gunfire.

   I don't usually talk to people who use the words "SWAG," or "YOLO." But when I do, I order a large fry.

   Following a successful off-season surgery, Favre appears ready to return for his 20th NFL season.... lobotomies must heal fairly quickly.

   Well, it's about that time of the day when I stop hitting the snooze button, wipe away the drool, open the blinds, and head on home from work.

   The closest I've gotten to murder is holding cookies under the milk until the bubbles stopped.

   my doctor: "do you have any pains after sexual intercourse?'' me: "well, they usually don't call back afterwards, and that kinda hurts."

   Remember the good ol' days when people robbed banks... not the other way around?

   Let's see, which emotional issues shall I bury under deep layers of sarcasm today?

   Keep Earth clean. It's not Uranus.

   dont you hate it when your busy everyone texts you but when your not, no one does....its like they know...

   All the landmarks and millions of beautiful places on Google Earth, and the first thing everyone looks at is their own house.

   : Snowwhite sleeps with 7 men, Tarzan is half naked, Cinderella comes home after midnight, Pinocchio always lies, Aladin is the king of thieves, Batman drives 200 mph, That's what they teach us as kids... no wonder we f*ck up sometimes....

   Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate....

   What do you say when an atheist sneezes...?

   When my kids grow up, I'm going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I'm bored & then just leave!

   My new girlfriend said a small d*ck shouldn't be a problem as long as we truly love each other. This was right before she showed it to me.

   In alcohol’s defense, i've done some pretty dumb shít while completely sober too.

   My boss yelled at me yesterday "It's the fifth time you've been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!" I said, "Probably that it's Friday?"…