Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Oh, Darwin! Oh, Scientific Method!" -things atheists say during sex.

   Pro athletes are just modern day court jesters who are only here to entertain us.

   Splenda if it's a girl, Stevia if it's a boy.

   Nothing says "I'm way more confident than I should be" quite like men over 35 wearing Hollister tees and seashell necklaces.

   If MTV landed on the moon again, would people even care?

   I stared at the moon for an hour before I realized it was one of my toenail clipping that had stuck to the window.

   .... Hey Kiddy's ... Did you know that 47 Years ago the first men landed on the moon using less Tech than it takes you to catch a single Pokemon!!!

   DAMMIT ... Please stop texting me when I'm texting you ..... Now I have to change my text!!

   I hope Hillary can unite our country and bring dignity back to....oh, never mind.

   Remember, you can see something or you saw something. You can't seen something...

   Ladies, ladies, ladies. Seriously, some of your status updates makes me wonder. Maybe you just need to get laid. . .

   Fast Food was never intended to sustain a person indefinitely ..... Neither were Fast Food Jobs ....

   I can count on half a hand the number of industrial accidents I've had

   Once she gets out of the 'spraying my face with mace' phase in our relationship she will get a better understanding of my love for her

   Know what more people in this world need?????? Exit wounds.

   just seen someone write “10Q” to mean “thank you“ and I wouldn’t even be mad if there was another Noah like flood in the next few minutes.

   I don’t think of it as eating grapes, I think of it as preventing future raisins. Some call me a hero.

   Sometimes I wish I had more middle fingers.

   My kid took his coffee in the shower with him so there's really no need for a DNA test. He's mine.

   "Earth" without "Art" is just "Eh".