Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A man basically goes through three phases in his life... He believes in Santa Claus...He doesn't believe in Santa Claus...He is Santa Claus.

   I'm excited for Christmas. What other time of the year can you sit around a dead tree and eat candy out of socks?

   When I was at school I belonged to a gang called The Secret Seven and we were sworn to secrecy. We were so good that I never found out who the other six were.

   I hate it when you are driving on the freeway and someone cuts in front of you so you flip them off, only to have them put their hand up in a gesture of "thanks".

   can't seem to find love. but its okay. I know exactly where the beer is.

   As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...

   n't it amazing how the sound of one persons voice can ruin your whole day at work.

   They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.

   WHY DO OLD PEOPLE DRIVE LIKE THEY GOT ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD, BUT YOUNG PEOPLE DRIVE LIKE THEIR DAYS ARE LIMITED....?

   If you're not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

   If history repeats itself, I'm totally getting a dinosaur.

   just stopped at Radio Shack to get something and the kid behind the counter asked me for my phone number and zip code. I told him 867-5309 and zip 90210. He never even questioned it.

   I was eating Oreos, and I was dunking one in milk and the cookie broke and sank to the bottom. So now I'm just sitting here, staring at the glass and wondering why bad things happen to good people.

   The government did not write the constitution to give rights to the people. The people wrote the constitution to limit the government's power.

   Some people wait their entire life for their ship to come in, not realizing that they are standing in an airport..

   I hate people that say " He's a nice person once you get to know him." They might as well just say " He's a dickhead, but you'll get used to it."

   Thinks that Facebook should change the status question from "What's on your mind?" to "What's your problem today?"

   Admit it, atleast once in our life, we all have tried to balance the light switch in between the on and off position

   Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

   I was on a plane today. The stewardess said, "would you like some headphones?" I said, "sure, but how did you know my name was Phones?"