Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why is it the people who say they thrive on chaos seem to be the ones causing it?

   It took years for my wife to get me to put down the toilet seat. In retrospect, I really don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place.

   And then there was the cannibal who passed his neighbor in the woods.

   He floated like a butterfly and stung like a bee......Happy Birthday.....to the LEGENDARY Man Muhammad Ali

   I think the spork would have caught on better if they called it "a forkin' spoon!"

   Double negatives are a no-no.

   If your full name was Elongated Musketeer then you would probably shorten it, too

   I always carry a flute with me in case I see deer or rabbits frolicking in a sunny meadow.

   Me: Life is a mystery, everyone must stand alone. I hear you call my name and it feels like home. Priest: I don't believe that is an actual prayer... Me: No, but it's like a prayer.

   Common sense is like a deodorant.......The people who need it most never use it..

   If there is such thing as a fake noodle, does that make it an impasta?

   I put my pants on just like anyone else; unwillingly.

   Seriously Gas stations need to start having Happy Hours O Something of that sort

   We have a dog so my husband just installed an invisible fence ... I think

   A study says we only use 12% of our brain. Just think how intelligent we would be if we used the other 70%.

   Fellas: Let a woman wear the pants in a relationship. They are coming off later anyways!

   cereal is dead to me now....what happened to choosing the best toy

   thinking about getting lip plates installed like african tribes, it would save alot of trips in a buffet...load it up, tilt head back..start again

   Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.

   The only thing an optimist and a procrastinator ever need say to each other is 'tomorrow.'