Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm so glad the elections are over and we can put all that stress behind us and move on to being stessed about the holidays.

   Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here

   The truth is like a lion. You don't have to defend it. Let it loose. It will defend itself.

   sometimes when cartoons are playing other cartoons’ skeletons like a xylophone, the same rib makes two different sounds

   The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit Me: new boat The wife: lower sky

   Do men ever make a Honey-Do list for their wives? Write a bunch of things for her to do on a piece of paper, hand it to her and say "Here, get this stuff done." Let me know how that works out for you.

   Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner. Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.

   Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.

   Which wines pair best with gloating?

   If you keep referring to your girlfriend as your lady friend I'm going to automatically assume you met on Craigslist.

   I’ve washed my hands three times and showered twice and I still have the smell on my fingers. Fresh rosemary is the herpes of herbs.

   I just paid for a 12 month gym membership. My bank called to see if my credit card was stolen.

   My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.

   Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!

   The hole in a guitar is traditionally used to store soft cheeses and dried meats which are fed to the drummer when he does a good job

   *gives ex wife's next door neighbour a drum kit for Christmas*

   It's almost 2020 and we still haven't made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.

   It costs today's parents $235,000 to raise a child. And that's just for the alcohol.

   "Shia LaBeouf" sounds like something a French guy would say after a really raunchy fart.

   What is this mythical "leftover" Bacon of which you speak ?