Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've been hard at work all day today. I accidentally took a viagra pill in stead of my vitamin this morning.

   My kids treat me like a god. They ignore my existence untill they need something.

   odd that R. Kelly has a 19 minutes song ... usually he doesnt likes it over 18 ...

   CEO: Sorry but we're closing the plant and moving to Mexico Me: *looks up from phone 3 months later* Where the hell is everybody?

   Don’t be silly. Those bodies were there when I bought the place.

   I don't have any Emmys but I Have 2 Grammys ....they're both dead

   ATTENTION!!! Heavy rain is on the forecast this week, please use permanent markers for your eyebrows.

   Consciousness is the nightmare before sleep.

   Yes I'll be leaving the jean jacket on during foreplay.

   Never underestimate the power of Stupid People in large groups.

   After all that has happened this year all we need now is Dallas Cowboys win Super Bowl!!!!

   Me: But God, where did the second set of footprints go?.. God: That's when you were dating that psycho. I wasn't sticking around for that.

   How I love #Monday. On a different subject. Have you ever met someone for the first time and wanted to buy them a toaster for their bathtub?

   Congrats to Alec Baldwin on securing a steady gig for the next 4 yrs.

   Running away doesn't help you with your problems, unless your problem is obesity

   With great power comes a great Electricity bill

   When Thanksgiving is over, you have my permission to listen to Christmas music.

   You know your girlfriend is getting fat when she fits in your wifes clothes !

   Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today Should have cooked it on aloha temperature

   Yes .... Math is Illegal in Kentucky!! 5 People in Kentucky were arrested last night in the latest Math Lab Bust. .... Either that or they're just crappy at spelling.