Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I went to the bar last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so" I said "Absolutely! Most tables would have collapsed by now!"

   Genders are like the twin towers, there used to be two of them and now it's a really sensitive subject.

   The coin shortage didn't work. Go ahead and mail the mystery seeds.

   I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

   Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.

   I work hard. I play hard. I do the groceries hard. I cook hard. I read hard. I laugh hard. I watch tv hard. – Viagra addict

   Welcome to your 40’s: everyone is twelve now.

   OK. What genius decided to call it Erectile Dysfunction and not Ballzheimer's?

   If someone from the future's reading this: this is how we used to waste our time in the past.

   The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink...

   This polo shirt has two buttoning options: uptight golf pr!ck or disco chest hair.

   You're not the dumbest person I know but the potential is there.

   WTF are you complaining about?! Unless there is lying, cheating, abuse or stealing involved in your relationship then its not as bad as you're making it out to be!

   And thus begins the 11-month unemployment season for handbell choirs.

   To any girl who calls herself a Barbie: FYI, real men don't play with barbies.

   HAPPY NEW BEER!!!

   Thought about asking someone if they wanted to be my "It's complicated" status...

   It's a small world. Unless you gotta walk home.

   How much teenagers care about politics. Regular topic: lol wat? Presidential election: meh. Threaten the Internet: it's the most important thing ever.

   lookin at the cost of medical insureance is making me sick in itself...