Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As you Mature... you learn that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them, hope they panic and give in.

   If I was a ghost, I'd write "Happy Birthday" in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it's still your birthday.

   .... If the wrong toy is inside of it .... Is it still called a Happy Meal?

   Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.

   When I was your age my Dad got you lost, not Siri.

   Relationships are easier if one of you is a cake.

   If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will

   I don't want to live in a world where HBO forces Sesame Street to cut Bob, Gordon and Luis but renews Ballers indefinitely.

   Overheard this guy say "I can skin a deer in 20 min, but I still can't hula hoop." Not sure why he thinks those skills would be transferable....

   Irony is walking into a Hooters and realizing most of the male customers have a "more gifted chest" than the female waitresses.

   A giant asteroid might destroy Earth! Unfortunately, it won’t get here until 2135, so it looks like I still have to do the dishes.

   At this very moment, somewhere in America, a black Prius is slowing someone down in the fast lane.

   Please disregard my one Sharpie eyebrow. There was a gray hair incident I'd rather not speak of.

   "What doesn't kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario

   My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.

   Quick Question: How can I protect my family online without the gun emoji?

   My wife could work for CSI the way she can spot one of my hairs on the sink after I shave.

   I’ve hugged my mother-in-law with more warmth than those female gymnasts at the Olympics.

   Being a woman is exciting because we don't know what mood we will be in next or for how long.

   I'm at the age where an all-nighter takes place over 2 nights.