Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My anger management class pisses me off

   Being an adult is pretty easy. You just feel tired all the time & tell people about how tired you are & they tell you how tired they are.

   "Get a parrot," they said. "It'll be fun," they said. "Get a parrot," the parrot said. "It'll be fun," the parrot said.

   I've been trying out the rum diet this week, I've lost 2 days already.

   Somewhere in the world Howie Mandel is walking around with full body Hazmat Suit.

   2020 must-have downloaded something from Limewire!!!

   I’ve been checking my temperature periodically every day. Did you know that it’s not necessary to do it rectally? Wish someone would’ve told me sooner!

   Check out the hypocrisy in the post below. Whines about no humorous posts, but doesn't come up with a humorous way to do it.

   Lysol commercial says apply to things I touch most. I have a feeling this is going to burn

   panicked at the grocery store and came home with a pineapple

   Weird, thousands of people working from home getting paychecks and not a single one has called in sick all week.

   Gotta say that the class of 2020 outdid themselves with Senior Skip Day this year.

   Oh not seeing enough tests?? I thought people were saying they aren't seeing enough breasts. Either way, I agree.

   I've been single for so long someone asked me who I was with. I said AT&T.

   Dear Tummy, do I have tell you separately.its a lockdown. Stay in

   I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.

   Grandad: ‘I’ve just bought a new, state-of-the-art hearing aid.’ Me: ‘Great. What type is it?’ Grandad: ‘Half past three.’

   I'm at Walmart. I'm not buying anything, I just needed a reminder that there are bigger disasters than me.

   Some of y'all need to be worried about that 420 credit score

   I can't believe it's already 5 o clock and almost time to get moving from the couch to the refrigerator.