Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I remember when I used to get nostalgic. Those were the days...

   I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain.

   [first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

   me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese* wife [sitting in the hot tub] Noooooooo

   I got kicked out of the threesome for singing “You’ve Got a Friend In Me.”

   Apple were considering making an iPod for kids but apparently, the name 'iTouch Kids' didn't sit too well

   If Tu-Pac and Biggie were still alive Kanye would be folding T-Shirts at the Gap right now.

   If the paleo diet works so well, why did the Flintstones need vitamins?

   There are GOOD COPS and BAD COPS. It is time for more people to shout out the BAD cops and thank the GOOD cops.

   So Bayer is buying out Monsanto and will be retiring the infamous Monsanto name. Rest assured that going forward, industrial-strength agri-chemicals will be no more dangerous than Aspirin.

   Burger King is changing their name to Pancake King.

   Imagine the disappointment a wolf would feel if he knew his descendent would be a pug. That’s how your grandpa feels when he sees you and your man bun.

   GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died! ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.

   I bought a camo shirt the other day and now I can't find the damn thing...

   If laziness was an Olympic sport, I'd come in fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.

   Malia Obama smoked pot?! Uh-oh. If she keeps up this behavior, she might wind up becoming president.

   I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check.

   Kinda ironic that none of the judges on America's Got Talent are from America...

   A 6-year old just shook her head at me in disgust as I stole Splenda from Starbucks. Everyone have a great week and keep chasing your dreams.

   The sperm bank is overpriced to store my stuff so if you come over, don't use the cloudy ice cubes from the tray labelled "Future Champions"