Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Let's get rid of Valentines Day and replace it with a second Halloween.

   With all the controversy surrounding public restrooms, I am now identifying myself as 'waiting til I get home'

   I couldn't quite visualize what a nanosecond was until I dropped a piece of bacon and my dog had it gone before it could even leave a grease spot on the floor.

   I'm from Canada, we use the metric system, so 'third base' means 'butt stuff'.

   I've decided that I'm an ass man. Don't get me wrong, horses are beautiful. They just dont have the majestic aura of the donkey.

   Dear Customer Service: When are all of your representatives NOT assisting other callers?

   thinks that now that I know there's water on the moon, your natural spring water from the Swiss Alps bores me.

   Yes acupuncture is an "ancient technique." Other "ancient techniques" included leeches and dying from plague. I'm good with drugs thanks.

   While I like the idiom "You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar", it remains the unvarnished truth that sh!t attracts more flies than anything.

   is gonna go to a psychiatrists office, sit in the waiting room and just stare at people..

   You need gray hair and hemorrhoids to be a consultant. The gray hair makes you look distinguished & the hemorrhoids make you look concerned.

   It's February. Think now may be a good time to take down your freakin' Christmas lights? Hmm?

   You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died and were content with it.

   I just found out that сосk fighting is done with chickens? That's 12 months of training gone to waste!

   It's so cold outside, I just saw a fox trying to jump-start another fox.

   Republicans & Democrats are like divorced parents who care more about getting the kids to hate the other one than they are their well-being.

   250,000 Union Soldiers died to end slavery in the United States ..... They were the first and genuine Black Lives Matter movement.

   Pre-marriage counseling should include putting up a tent together.

   If you bought a fruitcake this weekend, you have until March 2035 to eat it.

   The first rule of the OCD Club is to have a second rule so there is an even number of rules.