Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.

   Before you come out to the country, remember we'll sit in a tree all day waiting to kill something.

   Giving my liver a Rocky Balboa style pep talk for the upcoming weekend.

   Unemployment, COVID-19, social unrest, .......kinda makes waiting for that giraffe to give birth not that big of a big deal now.

   My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring. After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”

   If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.

   My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be. Um how about you continue to live here?

   I accidentally took my birth control pill twice yesterday and when I woke up this morning, one of my kids was gone.

   I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.

   Scotland's in the middle of a couple's breakup and trying to figure out who they're still supposed to be friends with.

   I really don't think it's right to support hate, violence and murder just because it suits your agenda.

   Assuming one is against the police when they're against police brutality is like assuming one is anti-parent when they're against child abuse.

   Skip the next 20 pages, nothing worth stealing.

   For some reason the "Samsung Galaxy Note 7" has become the preferred phone of terrorists.

   I saw these two blind guys about to fight and I shouted, "My money's on the one with the knife." You should have seen how fast they both ran off.

   All I'm saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.

   I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China

   I didn't make any new resolutions this year because I'm still working on the ones from 2007.

   Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realise that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

   What this country needs is more unemployed politicians....