Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Well the Christmas tree is out of the house, and back on the rear view mirror.

   The best way to teach your little kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream

   The Duty of a true Patriot is to protect his country from it's government.

   I'll probably be sick of these orange sherbet pushups by the time I finish the 22 pushup challenge but, I am determined to finish it anyway.

   My definition of clean living is mixing my Jack and Coke with my pinky since it's touched less gross stuff than my other fingers.

   If you plan your own birthday party, you really don't have that much to celebrate.

   The wise make good use of prosperity. The stupid buy a $2,000 car and spend $5,000 on rims.

   Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control

   I think some people just shouldn't be allowed reproduce because of their IQ level.

   Whenever I drop something edible I just call my dog over to clean it up.

   one of my biggest fears is to look out my window at night and see someone staring back at me.

   My math teacher accused me of cheating, I can't help that my english teacher is hotter.

   Here in America we pay homeage to our Presidents by gathering at malls and walmarts giving back our tax returns

   It's extremely frustrating when you spell a word so incorrectly that even spell check isn't able to help you out.

   Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.

   Best thing = Waking up, looking in your refrigerator and seeing a pizza box.

   They say "Opposites attract" but they never tell you for how long.

   fired up for another beautiful earth spin into darkness! Who's with me??

   I hope you were all good little boys and girls and Betsy Ross brought you all presents. Happy Flag Day to us all.

   got 6 Fathers Day hugs and all I did was go to Wal-Mart... weird.