Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "You complete me" ~ Me talking to my phone charger.

   When people say; I was thinking, Most weren't really.

   :) Fun fact: Coca cola (coke) and other cola drinks would be green if not for the caramel coloring they add to it.

   OK. So I danced like no one was watching. I need bail money.

   A man in front of me at Walmart is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life he wishes she had sent him for tampons!

   Right now my life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Walmart.

   My awkward silences are just warm up for my awkward conversations.

   Them: do something every day that scares you Me: *steps in a hole filled with spiders Me: *just screaming

   I'm just playing devils avocado here

   When I was a kid, we had to do emojis with our face.

   "I just called to say I love you." -Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work

   Is the expression "One man's trash is another man's treasure?" I want this best man's speech to be perfect.

   "I'm really good in bed" -Ice cream

   The only time a classic old VW doesn’t leak is when it has run out of oil.

   Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven't aged as well as you.

   *Squats down to look for food in the refrigerator* Fitness.

   Kid... Me... Kid... Me... Kid... Me... Kid: You didn't sew the hole in my bunny Me.. Kid.. Me: It's 3:07am Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?

   : I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.

   I like to write "made you look" on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.

   Saw a great movie about fishing. reel good cast.