Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The apocalypse doesn't care what your credit score is.

   Before I die I'm going to eat a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation should be spectacular.

   How do you get wine stains off of a cat? Asking for a friend.

   You know your house is dirty when people wipe their feet when they are leaving.

   "When did hamburger start needing help?"

   I travel a lot. Recently I was over there on the other couch

   The diference between inlaws and outlaws...... Outlaws are wanted.

   Living alone is pretty cool, I don't even know if my bathroom door closes

   Someone asked me why I hold so much anger in my heart. I said it's because I am running out of places to keep it.

   Ladies: There is a new dating service that’s packed full of the most handsome and trustworthy men. The best part is its FREE! No need to pay or sign up for a membership to access the friend zone where you left them.

   Saw a new woman's talk show called "The Woman's Talk hour." It's on weekdays from 1pm to 3:30pm.

   I am a husband. Hear me apologise for something I did in my wife's dream.

   FISA documents being released. I suspect tissue sales are about to go up.

   Sometimes I think sharks eat people just so they can be on tv.

   Most people wake up feeling like a million bucks, me? I wake up feeling like insufficient funds.

   Why weigh yourself when you could set yourself on fire then roll in broken glass and feel the same way!

   If you feel "blessed" because you have a lot of stuff, you obviously don't understand the meaning of "blessed."

   Welcome to your 40's. You now yawn so hard, you shake.

   Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don't know the man & he doesn't know you're eating his popcorn

   If people would just give ugly people a chance and date them too, catfishing wouldn't be a thing.