Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Someone wearing Crocs just told me to never judge someone till you've walked a mile in their shoes.

   With proper application of LSD, any horse can talk like Mr. Ed.....

   So, Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar... and doesn't.

   Today's World : You Keep your friends close, your enemies closer and your relatives as far away as possible

   Tell me what you want, so I can be sure to ignore you more efficiently.

   I miss those good old days when you were just another stranger.

   If you're not sweating, you're not doing it right

   I'm the Kristen Stewart of not knowing how to react to a compliment.

   Your day sucked, huh? I'm sure Facebook would love to hear about it.

   Fall is fast approaching. Time to sew all my jean legs back on.

   Somewhere, an innocent and naive couple deeply in love is saying crazy stuff like, "let's have plenty of kids. Nothing will change. How hard can it be?"

   Celebrity pregnancy announcements are a fantastic reminder for me to take my birth control pills.

   As a kid getting sent to bed was a punishment, but now leaving my bed feels like a punishment

   not having to set an alarm is one of the greatest feelings EVER!

   Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it." FML.

   Which rock group has 4 men that can’t sing? Mount Rushmore.

   Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

   I hate it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. For the fifth time, I do not want to go to your cat's birthday party! Besides, my dog is receiving his First Communion that day.

   with all these statues getting removed, I'm worried now about asking "the general" about car insurance

   WTH did the Groundhog see its shadow or not???