Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Saw a wasp in a spider web and I don't know who to root for.

   Today's words of Wisdom: Don't drown the man who taught you to swim.

   Absolutely despicable thats gingerbread men are forced to live in houses made of their own flesh.

   Nancy Grace decided to leave CNN to spend more time annoying the crap out of her family.

   I refuse to join your Pokemon cult

   Just found a scary-looking Pokemon on my living room sofa, but then I realized it was my mother-in-law.

   A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.

   Rudy Giuliani blames Obama for the Pokemon outbreak and need for Pokemon-Go, "Before Obama there were no Pokemon running around our cities."

   Ryan Lochte is now claiming he was robbed at gunpoint by Brian Williams.

   Please stop using fancy words like "sober " and "family".

   When I die, I'd like my remains scattered along the beach. That said, I do not want to be cremated.

   I find it interesting that over the past few hears Hackers have broken the biggest stories ..... And our Journalists who's job it is to report the news has tried frantically to cover them up ....

   There is no way Hollywood could remake "The Ring" for millennials,,, because none of them would answer the phone.

   Wonder what the electric eel was called, before electricity was invented.

   Why do cops get mad when other cops have jurisdiction over a case? I'd be like cool I'm going home to eat.

   Synonym: Word used in place of the one you can't spell.

   I’d like to see a commercial where the wife receives a brand new Lexus on Christmas morning and the she turns to her husband and says "You idiot! WTF is the matter with you? We can’t afford a Lexus!"

   This whole Santa should have no gender is crap. Here is how you know Santa is a man. He shows up late, eats your cookie, empties his sack, comes only once, calls you a Ho and leaves while you're asleep.

   I accidentally walked into the women's room at the gym today, then I bought a tampon from the machine so it wouldn't be awkward.

   I've probably spent a solid year of my life just staring into the refrigerator!