Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The circus may no longer come to town but at least we’re guaranteed to always see a few clowns in Washington.

   If you think about it, to come clean is not an option. . .

   'Wait, let me overthink that.' Women

   I'm recording an album called "My Sinuses Unplugged."

   The real Troll Hunter is a stupid, little shy guy without any self-confidence who has a big flap on the internet and at home he is sitting while peeing… because his mom told himso

   I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I'm being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I'm talking about

   Yesterday a guy asked me "would you give me three dollars for a sandwich?" and I said. "I don't know. Let me see the sandwich."

   Son, asking for help with his homework: where do I find the lowest common denominator? Me: We look on Twitter.

   How do you accidentally send an inbound missile warning to Hawaii by "pressing the wrong button"? I had to click "are you sure", verify my thumbprint and solve an algebra problem just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.

   Really disappointed to find out after laser eye surgery I am unable to burn down buildings

   12 days to Valentine... ...wives have become more polite than customer care..

   I just invented a new word: Plagiarism.

   When I saw the stock market plummet, I may have overreacted a bit by eating my neighbors cat...

   Facebook is taking up too much of my time, I'm taking a break. I'll be back after I go get my coffee

   I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

   Girls want attention, Women want respect. But Men want both... And I mean - both Girls and Women

   Drinking always starts out as the best idea you’ve ever had.

   This is my salad fork. That's my dinner fork. This is my lasagna shovel.

   Sorry, I can't. It's Toyota's Summer Sale-A-Thon.

   Paul Ryan just listed his spine for sale on Craigslist.