Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If my psychiatrist said "There's really nothing more I can do for you", that means I'm cured right??

   I don't drink alcohol. I drink distilled spirits. So I'm not an alcoholic. I'm spiritual.

   Bought some pre-tangled Christmas lights to save some time this year.

   Pro Tip: If you make a sex tape, make sure it plays Disney music in the background. That way, if it gets leaked online, Disney attorneys will have them all taken down.

   I miss those days when I would sneeze and someone would politely say, "Bless You" now they run the other way.

   We Just bought 12 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.

   Anybody else up to 6 meals a day

   I've been eating so much during the lockdown. I'm starting to get a tan from the fridge light.

   My credit score is so bad I have started receiving pre-declined credit card offers!

   The mantra of every politician is: Promise Everything, Deliver Nothing, Blame Someone Else. HECK ..... No wonder America is in turmoil ... We rarely vote in leaders .... Just a bunch of Con-Artists to run the Nation.

   I grew up living Paycheck to Paycheck ...... NOW after a lot of very hard work and Perseverance ... I now live from Direct Deposit to Direct Deposit.

   Don't worry about what you eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas. You should worry about what you eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving. Have a Happy Thanksgiving. :-)

   Anyone here with one leg? I have a ton of socks you can have.

   I recently bought a toilet brush. To make a long story short, I'm going back to toilet paper.

   5 year olds can't bring milk, eggs or peanuts to school these days but they can bring the measles...

   This morning My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

   Besides my good looks, honesty, charm, witty personality and my incredible sense of humor I have to say that my greatest characteristic is my modesty.

   Just because you lost me as a friend doesn’t mean you gained me as an enemy. I still want to see you eat, just not at my table.

   No need for me to storm Area 51... I've been to Walmart...

   Everyone seems so normal until you become Facebook friends with them.