Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   feels like a hamster in his wheel - going nowhere fast!

   Velcro is a ripoff

   Somewhere on earth a woman give's birth to a child every 10 sec! we must find her & stop her.

   Whenever I go near a bank I get withdrawal symptoms.

   surviving this massive amount of "family time" by pretending they are mental patients and I'm their case manager.

   Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

   that Bud Light Lime has less calories, carbs & fat than 2% Milk...it's not looking good for milk right now.

   I recently met my good friend's dad. All I could think while shaking his hand was, “Gross, my friend came from this guy's balls.” I'm pretty sure it's thoughts like these that separate me from the general public.

   addicted to facebook! Ok, I admit I've got a problem. So here's what I'm going to do abou.. ah, new message...

   You call that show "Man vs. Food", But I call it "Keeping Up With The Kardashians."

   I wonder if anyone else feels like their life is a series of bloopers and outtakes.

   One of life's purest joys is discovering that something has pockets.

   Do strippers have nightmares where they are in front of a large crowd with their clothes on?

   Ever wonder what your face is doing when you aren't paying attention?

   How do I set the laser printer to stun?

   In other news, Farve says those texts and voicemails were intended to go to his wife. Jenn Sterger picked them off and took them to the house.

   Ever accidentally pull something out of your purse thinkin it was a pen when checking out?? Yep, that's how my days goin...

   The Walkman is offically dead. We had some good times in the 80's, and early 90's. You're in a better place now. RIP

   ■Twitter makes me like strangers I've never met and Facebook makes me dislike people I know in real life.

   tired of reading pregnancy and baby updates EVERYDAY! I don't care if they slept for 4 hours or had their first poopy diaper!