Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The future was so much cooler in the past.

   I don't think I could be friends with anyone desperate enough to choose me as their emergency contact.

   The single most suspicious thing you can do when someone walks into the room is to minimize your browser

   My girl keeps her hair short so instead of holding back her hair when she pukes, I keep her boobs out of the way. I'm nice like that.

   Think about how much women could accomplish if they didn't spend half the day taking pictures of themselves in bathroom mirrors.

   Facebook: where pushing like to everyone's 'happy birthday' wish is a thank you.

   #1 thing to do today: Run into a store and ask what year it is. When someone answers, yell "It worked!!!" and run out cheering.

   My mother always told me to never quit something I'm good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i'm good at being drunk!

   Nothing says 'Self absorbed a$$hole' like liking your own picture

   Women + yoga pants = WIN!

   Hey, look at the bright side... oh I'm sorry, YOU don't have one of those.

   Full disclosure: I don't actually know the back of my hand all that well.

   The major cause of auto wrecks is a screw loose in the nut behind the wheel.

   Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga

   Write the name of someone you hate on your body every day in permanent marker, so no matter how you die they'll become a suspect..

   Just sent out 200 text messages to random phone numbers saying "Happy Father's Day! I'm pregnant!" Now listening to the police scanner for my daily entertainment.

   i buy my own f*cking lemons because you know what? life doesn't hand anyone anything for free.

   Keep an eye on people who always remain calm & collected. It's always a pretty fun scene when they finally have their inevitable breakdown.

   Kanye West and Kim Kardashian dating each other saves two other people in the world from misery!

   Some people think I'm pretty funny until they marry me.