Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Patience can best be described as standing in line behind someone buying lottery tickets without strangling them to death.

   Our friends don’t understand our obsession with trying to write clever, original status updates to post online... They wonder why we don’t just copy and paste our status updates like everyone else does.

   For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck they should at least send me a picture of the broke ass family I support to hang on my fridge.

   going to be in such good shape now that he found these WII fit Cheat codes!

   likes it on the floor, next to the bed, so she doesn't forget it it when I kick her out in the morning

   OK some Women want to be equal to Men... Send us flowers to work, pick us up for a date, open the car or any door for us, take us out to dinner and a movie flip the bill and leave the tip and you make the first move at the end of the date!!!

   Dear bl@ck people, stop trying to impress others with fancy cars and clothes. Let's try impress each other with investments and good credit!

   There's no such thing as being "big boned." How many fat skeletons have you ever seen???

   The dimmer brat party has changed. I know, I was one. Until Obama and Biden started all this BS we’re dealing with now. Miss Trump yet?

   On Dasher, on Dancer, on Master Card and Visa.

   "I was playing chess with my friend and he said ‘Let's make this more interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."

   Don't get fooled by the free toilet paper app., My phone is ruined now

   I know today is starting out to be a bad day, even my Rice Krispies went SH*T,CRAP,AND F*CK .

   Makeup, soda, sandwich, texting, talking, then I realized she was driving the car in front of me, in traffic.

   Gentleman...... Start Your Livers!!!!

   Hell hath no fury like a woman slightly inconvenienced.

   Everyone was touching and kissing the trophy. I was just waiting for someone to hump the damn thing.

   That moment of epic sadness when you shut down the computer and then you realize that you need it again.

   If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.

   I hate it when I look horrible in a group photo and the person that looks good refuses to delete it