Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do girls associate their selfies with a deep yet irrelevant quote? I do not understand the correlation

   Babies are a receipt that you've had sex..

   Dad, I love how we don't even have to say out loud that I'm your favorite.

   During a fight with your wife tell her you're bored,,

   I'm a very persuasive person. I can convince myself of anything.

   Nobody knows the age of the human race, but everybody agrees that it is old enough to know better...

   Nothing is ever worth giving up your class.

   Drunk sayings = Sober thoughts

   I can't stand it if I'm excluded from an activity even if I have no intention of going and don't like those who are.

   Remember Hitler in the movie Little Nicky?.... I figure right about now Osama Bin Laden is getting his first pineapple.

   If Ashton Kutcher pops up right now and says "You just got Punk'd"... Ima be so pissed!

   Instead of labeling OBL with the titles he would want and relish in, such as "Al Qaeda founder", "Terrorist Leader" or "9/11 Mastermind", we should just label him as Hide & Seek Champion 2001-2011. You're next Waldo.

   Bin Laden may have been great at Hide-&-Seek but he sucked at Marco Polo. Navy Seal "Marco"..Bin Laden "Polo"...Navy Seal 'Bang..Bang'

   Dumped his body in the ocean? WTF? Who's been watching Sopranos reruns again...

   New season of Jersey Shore to film in Italy.. To maintain balance in the universe, Italy will send 8 citizens to Fazoli's

   Friends by social network. Twitter = fake friends Facebook = close friends Myspace = I can't remember who you are.

   There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again.

   Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

   I gave a homeless lady $5. Friend said I shouldn't because the lady will only buy booze with it. I said So? That's what I'd buy too. You'd have to be pretty drunk to sleep on the concrete.

   All relationships go through sh!t. Real relationships get through sh!t.