Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just want to wish all my single friends out there a very happy Independence Day!

   Use the aging app on your kids and you may find out who the daddy is

   Taking a dog named "Shark" to the beach is a very bad idea.

   The older you get the more dating is like that final scene in The Shawshank Redemption where Red finally tells the Parole Board off.

   Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on

   Give her flowers. Women love watching a slow death.

   I’d love to tell my wife to make me a sandwich after sex, but then I wouldn’t have enough teeth left to eat it.

   I would do anything to be hot, except eat healthy and exercise

   I hope snow storm Jonas doesn't bring his other 2 brothers

   I don't know why it's necessary to get a glass dirty when wine tastes perfectly fine straight out of the bottle.

   The voices in my head tell me not to listen to the voices in my head, and now I don't know who to listen to anymore

   "My body wasn't designed for this." - me, getting out of bed

   You Only Live Once: So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, desperately seeking validation from strangers. After all it's 2016!!!

   I know being single on Valentines Day can suck, but it's so much better than dating some idiot.

   It's a, "I want to fake my own death, move to Mexico & live off of tacos & tequila type of day"....

   Jeb Bush always looks like a substitute teacher that just got some attitude from the problem student.

   [buying treadmill]... Me: Can I try it out first?... Salesperson: Sure... Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it).. Hmmm, I like it.

   Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.

   Wow!!! Thank you guy on Facebook I went to high school with and haven't spoken to in 14 years, you really changed my mind about this upcoming election....

   Taking your kids to work is a great way to combine the two most annoying things in your life.