Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Above and beyond? I mostly go below and around.

   fml...I shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there...

   Thank you to the Emmy Awards for reminding me why I don't watch television.

   All I'm saying is, would it have killed Star Wars to give the audience a peek at the Death Star cafeteria?

   Welcome to Twitter if you are not already following a mom who drinks wine, one will be assigned to you....

   Kim Kardashian held at gunpoint and made to put her clothes back on.

   All I’m saying is now might be a good time to check the Paris pawn shops for some good deals on jewelry.

   I want to be something really scary for Halloween. So, for this year, I'm dressing up as 3% phone battery.

   I'm pretty sure I just heard the lady on the Clorox commercial tell me I can use their product to clean up a murder.

   I'm sure glad there isn't a microphone around to record every thing I say in private.

   My sex tape is 30 minutes of me trying to get back on the floaty I fell off of in the pool.

   I think I promised to have three beers, and be home by ten. I always get those two mixed up.

   If you want to work for a company that makes moisturiser, the best thing to do is to apply daily.

   I’d love to tell my wife to make me a sandwich after sex, but then I wouldn’t have enough teeth left to eat it.

   I would do anything to be hot, except eat healthy and exercise

   I hope snow storm Jonas doesn't bring his other 2 brothers

   I don't know why it's necessary to get a glass dirty when wine tastes perfectly fine straight out of the bottle.

   The voices in my head tell me not to listen to the voices in my head, and now I don't know who to listen to anymore

   "My body wasn't designed for this." - me, getting out of bed

   You Only Live Once: So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, desperately seeking validation from strangers. After all it's 2016!!!