Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.

   Half the day, I wonder if it's too late for coffee... The other half, I wonder if it's too early for alcohol

   Until further notice the days of the week are now called thisday, thatday, otherday, someday, yesterday, today, and nextday

   Wife: I'm pissed! Me: Again or Still?

   Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

   Due to the election I may start a moving co.

   Thank god this election is over......I almost forgot what real commercials were like.

   A person without a sense of humor is like a car without shocks, they get jolted by every rock or pebble in the road.

   Why would I pay someone to scare me at a haunted house when I could just open a can of biscuits at home?

   Don't wait until you're on your deathbed to tell people how you really feel because you could be too weak to raise your middle finger.

   A few days ago, Stephen Hawking predicted the earth has 1000 years to survive. Where will Keith Richards go if that happens?

   Worst part of being sick? Sneezing while taking a piss

   Some people are the human equivalent of stomach cramps...

   i don't want a girlfriend I want an accomplice

   Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms should be a convenience store; and not a government agency.

   I AM SO READY TO KISS 2016 GOODBYE!

   The biggest growth companies in D. C. right now are Moving Companies.

   I bought my dog his own cell phone today. It was a good deal. He gets free rollover minutes.

   Since giving up carbs, I've been feeling..Oh, what's that word?? Homicidal...

   The Mrs said she we need a "conversation piece" in the living room. I'm thinking taco cart...