Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know who your true friends are when they call you at 3AM just to tell you they love you and that their drunk. . .

   If you tell someone your Birthday and they automatically know your astrological sign, run as fast as you can away from them.

   Whenever someone says to me “Things could be worse” I punch them in the face and say “Like that?”

   Clearly, who ever said "more than a hand full is a waste" never have actually had their hand on more than a hand full.

   Sometimes I just want the UFC commentator to be like "Personally, I think he's trying to f cuk him...but I'm no expert, Joe."

   Marriage: I gave sex up for this?

   At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person’s shoe laces together. It’s not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?

   I've been single so long now I don't remember what it's like for someone to be mad at me for something I didn't even know it did!

   Relationship status: If I slam on my brakes really hard... The seatbelt hugs me back.

   What time does that rioting and looting reality show start tonight?

   "KiSS HER"~~~Me watching women's boxing.....

   Let me see if I have this right, they defended the White House from a home invasion with guns?

   Some 28,000 Terrorist Attacks Worldwide since 9/11 And somehow it's all because we don't have enough gun control in the US!

   The Pope is really setting a high bar for giving something up for Lent.

   That uncomfortable moment at a feminist picnic when they realize no one made any sandwiches.

   The lady in front of me at Walmart has six kids and is buying a baby gate. I want to tell her you should try putting that on your v@gina

   My signature move is learning the hard way.

   Kim Kardashian looks like a pregnant drag queen.

   Maybe the reason you have 99 problems is that you're counting them instead of dealing with them

   Sometimes what sounds like opportunity knocking is actually disappointment leaving a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep.