Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hooters girls may be hot, but subway girls are wife material. They stand behind the counter, put whatever you want on your sandwich, and then clean up the kitchen

   For Halloween I'm going as laundry, women love doing laundry.

   41 shot in NYC this past weekend, 77 in Chicago, 24 in Atlanta. But it's ok... no need for the media to report it. There were no police officers involved.

   If I slept with a prostitute, when we finished I would tell her that I am also a prostitute and we can just call it even.

   Instead of saying, "Happy Birthday!" I'm going to start saying "Happy annual celebration of your successful escape from the womb."

   Admit it, once in your life, you've tried to guess someone's password but failed.

   AT&T is buying T-Mobile for $39 billion. It was a tough call for AT&T, but then again—EVERY call is a tough call for AT&T.

   When parents on Facebook post about how they can't believe their kid is going into whatever grade, write "No way! I thought for sure he'd be held back!"

   I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language made entirely out of tattoos.

   my english is getting gooder and gooder

   I don't care how comfortable crocs are, you look like a dumba$$!

   Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

   What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot you racist.

   Happy 236th Birthday to my fellow Marines .. Semper Fi .

   pays tribute to Mickey Mouse who will turn 82 years old this year. He's now the oldest rodent in show business, unless you count that thing on Donald Trump's head....

   Cheating is a choice... Not a mistake.

   Vending machines are so homophobic. Sorry my dollar isn't straight enough for you...

   I'm pretty sure going down on Lindsay Lohan is like licking a 9-volt battery.

   I demand a “That's what she said” button be added to Facebook

   When will women ever learn? If I pay all your bills, put a roof over your head, make sure you are well fed and dressed, buy you a car so you can move around, then the term INDEPENDENT WOMAN does not apply to you. I am your majority shareholder.