Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.

   Oh, And BTW.... If you throw a porcupine at a dart board, you get all the points...

   I need to stop lying to my therapist. I also just need to stop lying. I don't have a therapist.

   I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.

   If you don’t want people asking for rides again, say yes the first time but don’t show up.

   It's official. Yahoo Answers has surpassed the US Government as the all time record holder in not being able to accurately answer a simple question.

   I would say that if my coworkers were picking on me they're leaving someone else alone, but these guys are multi-taskers.

   Who needs the NFL Ticket when you have Facebook?

   Quote of the year: If you think life is unfair, you’re not gonna be too thrilled about death.

   Remember when Ron Paul was too crazy to be President.

   Biggest oxymoron ever: Customer service. Biggest lie ever: This call "may" be recorded for "training" purposes.

   Fourth of July weekend is when we finally get to play our favorite American guessing game, Firework or Gunshot!!!

   Who cares how I got inside your house. What matters is that we're together now.

   My coffee was so hot this morning it came along with an ugly friend.

   Instagram is good for showing highlights from your day, but Snapchat brings to life all those boring, in-between moments no one cares about.

   So ..... FBI Director James Comey Sure Has Changed his views a Lot Since He Prosecuted Martha Stewart hasn't he … Folks ... Do some research and check it out.

   About a year ago I told my friend there’s plenty of fish in the sea. Last I heard he is still sitting there holding his rod.

   Starbucks is going to raise their prices by 10%. Doesn't affect me because if I'm paying over three bucks for a drink, it's always gonna be beer.

   .... I think we should all vote for Pedro and all our wildest dreams will come true .....

   Be careful walking near tall building today. You may see millenials out on ledges for 1 of 2 reasons... they are playing Pokemon Go or they are depressed that their hero Bernie Sanders just fell in line with his comrades.