Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm going paperless at home but it's presenting a real problem in the bathroom.

   Hey,, Has anyone tried giving ISIS a snickers bar?

   If only someone on the internet would give me their opinion on the election.

   "According to the latest poll, 80 percent of the people polled are sick and tired of hearing about the latest polls."

   For my wife's birthday, I bought her a small bottle of exclusive perfume called ample. I just hope she doesn't notice where I scraped off the "S"

   If you think your life can't get any worse, just remember...you could be Mike Tyson in a Chinese restaurant trying to order the Sweet and Sour Shrimp.

   Pink grapefruit extreme close-up, you’re welcome.

   It's time for a Civil war to overthrow the legal government to install the leader demanded by the mob. Ya ... That's the ticket.

   The election in a nutshell: We let the p*ssies play pin the tail on the donkey for a while, then shut the party down.

   My neighbor finally put up his #Christmas lights today. I bet he's mad that I beat him to it. I put mine up three years ago.

   Last night I went to a "Testicular Cancer" survivor party. Everyone had a ball.

   What if all those coins you keep finding on your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?

   Everyone want to see a politician's tax returns. I'd rather see their IQ tests.

   I’m pretty sure if my dog could talk his most common phrase would be “Are you going to eat that?”

   Would you want to trust your fate to 12 people who were too dumb to get out of Jury Duty?

   What’s the difference between an art student and a philosophy student? A philosophy student asks you why you want fries with that

   A hungry traveler stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchen. A brother is frying chips. 'Are you the friar?' he asks. 'No. I'm the chip monk,' he replies.

   hoping the death of Osama Bin Laden means I cen get on a plane without getting fondled by a TSA agent.

   I feel like celebrating by eating a good old american double cheeze burger, fries and a cold Budweiser to wash it down.

   Call of Duty: Black Ops trained soldiers kill Bin Laden