Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What if all those coins you keep finding on your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?

   Everyone want to see a politician's tax returns. I'd rather see their IQ tests.

   I’m pretty sure if my dog could talk his most common phrase would be “Are you going to eat that?”

   Would you want to trust your fate to 12 people who were too dumb to get out of Jury Duty?

   What’s the difference between an art student and a philosophy student? A philosophy student asks you why you want fries with that

   A hungry traveler stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchen. A brother is frying chips. 'Are you the friar?' he asks. 'No. I'm the chip monk,' he replies.

   Yo Jussie...this $3,500 check bounced!

   Before the Coronavirus I'd cough to cover a fart. Now I fart to cover a cough.

   Gee I sure hope the rioters in DC don’t do anything to the IRS building at 1111 Constitution Ave. NW, Washington, DC 20224.

   Pink grapefruit extreme close-up, you’re welcome.

   A new heavy metal Christian Rock band will soon be releasing their debut album. They're called Nuns 'n' Moses.

   I just put my phone on airplane mode and it dragged me out of my seat

   Darth Vader could fall asleep in Imperial meetings and nobody would notice.

   "Can't adult today". That's cute 22 year old. Get a mortgage, manage a 401k, have a couple kids, then get back to me about being an adult.

   Someday they will discover the center of the universe and a lot of people are going to be pissed to find out it isn't them.

   I took a sexual harassment course today, I think this is actually something I might be pretty good at

   The police want to interview me which is strange, I didn't even apply for a job there..

   How do Amish girls know if it's a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular one #DeepThoughts

   New York: We just had a storm with 50 mph winds. Oklahoma: Hold my beer...

   So let me get this straight -- they left the porridge on the table and went for a walk, and the 3 bowls cooled at different rates?