Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like the sound you make when you shut up

   I like superheroes but I'd rather hang out with the villains.

   There is 1 mosquito in my apartment. I have 50 bullets. Let's dance.

   What’s the difference between a Pick Pocketer and a Peeping Tom…..A Pick Pocketer snatches watches

   Most women don't notice the things we do for them until we stop doing them.

   There's nothing worse than not getting the right amount of love from strangers on the internet.

   My relationship status just changed to sweatpants oreos and netflix!

   I need to see a shrink to discuss my Shamrock Shake abandonment issues...

   Went to a costume party dressed as a chicken. Ment a girl dressed as an egg. We spent the night at my place. And I found out the answer to that old question. It was the chicken.

   We celebrate the 4th of July because citizens were armed.

   There's a big difference between a mechanic and a surgeon when they work on a tranny.

   Most people write congrats because they don't know the spelling of congrajulashions

   A new heavy metal Christian Rock band will soon be releasing their debut album. They're called Nuns 'n' Moses.

   I just put my phone on airplane mode and it dragged me out of my seat

   Darth Vader could fall asleep in Imperial meetings and nobody would notice.

   "Can't adult today". That's cute 22 year old. Get a mortgage, manage a 401k, have a couple kids, then get back to me about being an adult.

   Someday they will discover the center of the universe and a lot of people are going to be pissed to find out it isn't them.

   I took a sexual harassment course today, I think this is actually something I might be pretty good at

   The police want to interview me which is strange, I didn't even apply for a job there..

   How do Amish girls know if it's a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular one #DeepThoughts