Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One reason I hate politics is because of all the junk mail you get these days about one worthless candidate bashing the next about what a terrible job they are/would be doing. Personally I think they all suck. My name is John and I approve this message.

   Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

   The bank called me because of suspicious activity on my debit card. I couldn't believe I bought a gym membership either

   have you heard of the new paint called "blonde"? its not very bright but it spreads easy

   I hate people who keep saying LMS on FaceBook. LMS if you agree.

   lol @ "If he pauses his game to text you back, marry him".. We never pause it, we're just waiting to respawn.

   DEAR SIDEWALK, Please get wider... SINCERELY, 3rd FRIEND WALKING BEHIND FEELING EXCLUDED.

   Wives are funny creatures. They won't have sex with their husbands for weeks but then they want to kill the first woman who does.

   1 sperm has 37.5 MB of DNA information in it. This means a normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1587GB in 3 seconds... And you thought 4G was fast!

   It's scary to think nothing can kill that 0.01% germ.

   Rihanna and Chris Brown recorded a duet together......i think its a cover of Britney's, "Hit me baby one more time"

   If you catch me in the morning in a yoga position... more than likely I passed out drunk that way.

   I'm gonna stand outside a strangers house tonight with a lit candle & tell them it's in remembrance of all the people I killed there.

   Geesh calm down everbody... Maybe Rachel Dozel just considers herself a "incog-negro"

   I would describe my look today as "Open Casket"

   Relationship Status: I ate 7 bananas trying to get the new guy at work to notice me.

   A string of stars tattooed on your chest is a great way to let everyone know you're a 22 year old single mother of 4 kids.

   I texted my girlfriend "I love you" and she texted back "I love you more. When I went to respond I made a typo and sent "I love you moist"....I figured why correct it, it's true too.

   I'm thankful I'm a dude and don't have to post that BS every day this month...

   Marriage. Because your sh*tty day doesn't have to end at work.