Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   23 million?.. To put that in perspective, if you laid them all end to end,,, you can just bury them easier.

   Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.

   Now you got me asking myself? Why does Disco Music give me Night Fever and the Heebie Bee Gees Bees?

   The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.

   Hang out with people you want holding your hand when your heart stops.

   Batman based his superhero name off what terrified him most. If I followed the same logic my superhero name would be "interactingwithpeopleman"

   So there are these "Don't start forest fires" commercials telling me to "Get my Smokey on." All I can think is, if an anthropomorphic bear in a pair of jeans and a ranger hat comes up and tells me not to set stuff on fire, I probably already did.

   Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it." FML.

   I have an irrational fear of Disco Music. It gives me the Heebie Bee Gees.

   If coffee was a drug, my last name would be Winehouse.

   Want to entertain the kids? Play a game of Duct Duct Tape.

   I tried to Bring Sexy Back but they said "Sorry. No refunds."

   Don't break anybody's heart; they have only one. Break their bones instead; they have 206.

   My meth lab on Farmville blew up. FML.

   It's not that I mind the neighbors having a cadaver dog. It's just that it keeps digging in my backyard.

   I've never had an out-of-body experience. But I've had an out-of-experience body most of my life.

   I think about making love every 3.14159265 seconds. I guess I’m pi-sexual.

   I had it made in the shade and then a limb fell on my head. FML.

   Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it's an intervention.

   Let's forget about the remake of Dirty Dancing like we forgot about Bill Cosby