Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know All my life I’ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.

   Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line.

   I'm wondering if Linus will spend all night in the pumpkin patch again this year.

   I met a comedian once. He was a stand-up guy.

   Ego and Superego go into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry boys, I need to see some ID."

   I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.

   I take half a viagra every night before bed.. Keeps me from pissing on my slippers .

   Why is it that a dog can smell a hamburger from a mile away but has to get within a 1/2 an inch to smell another dog's butthole?

   If batman and catwoman had a kid it would be batcat or the "less popular" manwoman.

   Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.

   God please let me find $80,000 on the floor today

   I asked my girlfriend to meet me at the gym. She never showed up. I knew right then we weren’t going to workout.

   Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.

   I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too

   I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60

   Thinking about the time I bought 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…

   I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

   Yeah. It's OK for you to call my pets "Fur Babies" but if I call your kid a "Skin Dog" you get angry.

   Jeffrey Dahmer's bologna had a first name , it was Steven !

   You know you are working too hard when you go to make a call from your home telephone and first dial 9.