Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Eat chocolate pudding all the time, everywhere you go. Use chopsticks and a diaper as a bowl.

   You'll never be the man your mother is.

   What a beautiful country, shame about all the Libtards.

   It was so cold today, I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.

   One good thing about this winter snow storm, is it makes my lawn look as good as my neighbors.

   I'm not ignoring your call, I just get so excited when I see the caller ID I faint!

   When you have more than what you need, build a longer table, not a higher fence.

   The people that are trying to make the world worse never take a day off, why should I? Light up the darkness.

   A bad attitude is like a flat tire. You can’t go anywhere until you change it.

   I love finding money in my clothes after wash…..its like a gift from me....to me

   I dropped my KFC at the treadmill and now they are revoking my Gym membership, how unreasonable

   I just Love the gym this time of year. The new members make me look like an endurance freak

   Pink grapefruit extreme close-up, you’re welcome.

   If we aren't supposed to be too close to the microwave then why do they show us food twirling around in there?

   "Lindsay Lohan bitten by snake while on vacation in Thailand" I can't get my head around how a snake can be that organized

   Time to practice changing 7's into 8's

   Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let's just keep it in the carton, ok?

   Just had ice cream without sprinkles on top. Diets are so hard.

   College football is important but a college education is importanter!

   We all have a machine in our house that sets itself on fire when it gets cold and we're all ok with that!