Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If someone skinnier than you complains that they are fat, it’s okay to snarl at them. Frankly, it’s encouraged.

   I just got the minivan washed if anyone wants to party this weekend.

   House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds

   I don't know what I would do without facebook and instagram and twitter -- but I bet it would be something productive

   Resistance is not Futile ... it is Voltage over Current

   The grocery store in my neighborhood needs to repaint the parking lot near the door to show where the "Just Lazy" parking is.

   Actually, officer, I prefer to think that weed smells like me.

   How come "you're a peach" is a complement but "you're bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?

   I thought the trick to makeup was to make it look like you not wearing any and not to look like you shoved your face in a bowl of nacho cheese sauce

   The Best Excuse given by a Lady for Missing Work ! "My husband took an overdose of Viagra.....Couldn't leave him alone with the Maid"

   I farted in Wallmart and the lady next to me asked what kind of perfume I was wearing

   A police officer came up to me yesterday and said, "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "Kindergarten." I need bail money now

   Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage? Because they are tired of using their own.

   You should be allowed to pet a dog without having to say a word to the owner.

   I don't wanna say my ex thinks her sh*t doesn't stink, but she sent a couple of her turds to Febreze suggesting they make an air freshener out of them.

   Fun fact: In Mountclair Ca. it's now illegal to cross the street while talking on a cell phone.

   Knowledge is knowing what to say. Wisdom is knowing when to say it.

   Pro Tip: Dryer sheets double as toilet paper and leave your ass smelling like lavender rain drops!

   Guns are incapable of losing their minds... but people sure are.

   Of all the words that sound dirty but aren't, I think "kumquat" is my favorite.