Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My favorite queso is the one you keep around for emergencies, just in queso.

   You: I’m offended, you can’t say that! Me: Noooo, I can, I did, and I probably will again.

   Be wary of half-truths, you may get the wrong half.

   Quiz question: Would you rather be stuck on an island all alone or with someone you hate, and why? Answer: I would rather be stuck on an island with someone I hate, so I would have something to eat.

   The IRS: “Oh yeah, you can milk anything with nipples.”

   Got a new book: “How to pretend to be normal.”

   My emotional support dog after spending a day with me. Dog: Drinks a 5th of vodka and chain-smokes non-filter cigarettes.

   Everyone I know is a “snack getting stuck in a vending machine” away from total collapse.

   Therapist: “What brings you in today?” Me: Every time my husband puts the dishes away, he puts them in a different location. Therapist: “I’ll cancel all my appointments.”

   When you’re in psychology class and you learn about the disorder you have.

   Teacher: “Today we will be talking about depressed people who share jokes all day as a coping mechanism.”

   It might be called social media, but all I do is share photos and ignore people.

   Trillion-dollar propaganda machine vs. people putting funny words on pictures.

   Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.

   sed my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair

   told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.

   I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.

   The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.

   Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing

   I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.