Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart

   Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

   I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not!

   I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.

   f you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito

   pretty sure it's what Jesus would have done...

   Slept like a baby last night!!! Woke 3 times and screamed my lungs out....and pooed my pants !!!

   as cool as a beeper was in '94!

   dressed as a parking attendent at the zoo, 300 spots at $5 a pop is $1500 for a days work

   just not the same since that house fell on my sister

   who decided that paper beats rock? Next time I hear someone say that I want them to hold up a sheet of paper and let me throw a rock at them

   who decided that a round pizza should be put in a square box..... had to be a female......

   Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

   I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

   Bought myself a new roll-on deodorant today. Instructions said 'Take off top and push up bottom'. Five hours I spent in casualty

   "Do Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

   Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

   I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

   Bad decisions make good stories

   Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.