Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

   "Doh!, the stuff that buys me beer, Ray, the guy who sells me beer, Me, the one who drinks the beer.Far, a long run to get beer, So, I'll have another beer, La, I'll have another beer, Tea, no thanks I'm drinking beer and that's why I'm not here! "

   loves how obama gives a speech to kids about the importance of school while 3/4 of the kids in the country are IN school

   thinks the newest version of the game "Monopoly" should come with a government bail-out option....

   Was up all night wondering where the sun had gone. Then it dawned on me

   100% positive that he isn't sure!

   just spit out his stride gum.

   stop the bus let my friend jack off...

   Dear Pringles, Now that I am no longer a child, I cannot fit my hand inside your tube of deliciousness. Work on that.

   Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.

   not lazy, he's just phsycially conservative.

   santa's overated.

   thinks DJ AM should have been buried in the morning......just sayin'

   you look so beautiful.......GOD THIS THING SUCKS AT SARCASM

   wishing everyone a happy Friday eve!

   How many of the Lost cast does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but it will take 20 episodes.

   asks if what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas....... then why did my new wife follow me home????

   just realized that if you change the word "wand" to "wang" in the Harry Potter books, suddenly the books become a lot more interesting.

   knows the last digit of PI.

   "Wake Me Up When September Ends"