Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Well aware how much wood a woodchuck could chuck.

   Can't help but laugh at you when you have confederate flag on the back of your honda with a Connecticut license plate.

   One time my own father caught me watching a porno movie. The one thing you never wanna hear in that situation is, “son, move over.”

   Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people "the cops." But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

   Doesn't matter what you say or do; people can always find a way to call you a d*ck.

   Every eight minutes, someone has sex with an animal...and you wonder why they attack you.

   You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

   Midgets smell different things in crowded elevators.

   would like to inform facebook that it FAILS at "Change". 0bama could use the same advice too.

   laughs at people who put vague facebook statuses that are written to get comments. something like: “Yeah, alright!” – it's like they are writing “please ask me why I am happy”

   Knows you're getting old when you watch a porno and think "Oh that bed looks comfortable.".

   giving my liver a pat on the back for holding up this weekend

   gearing up for hot tub season!

   The only problem I have with Halloween is making those stupid skeletons stay in the closet where they belong!

   If there is anything worse than seeing a beautiful woman with a dog picking up dog s*%t ,Its seeing a beautiful woman without a dog picking up dog s%|t

   if facebook was an actual book we could call ourselves intellectuals...

   When it comes to getting things done, we need fewer architects and more bricklayers

   doesn't believe we put a man on the moon.

   you know you're small when your application to be a porn star in China gets rejected

   on my way to Oz on the yellow brick road but overshot it by 150 miles- I was having an argument with myself, I was not asleep, got here OK, hanging with Glenda.