Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just hacked into Santa's computer. All corporate executives will be getting coal this year.

   Anything you say will be held against you. "Tit".

   so looking forward to seeing "New Moon". Wow! An emo-kid vampire movie? How original!

   stocking up on Twinkies and shoe polish so he can replace Oprah in 2011.

   oral sex is a lot like smoking a cigarette...the flavor gets stronger the closer you get to the butt....

   Santa..he's pretty lucky..cuz he knows where all the naughty girls are at..that's why he's so jolly you see?

   if you bet an emo kid 20 bucks that he won't kill himself, you'll either be 20 bucks richer or break even

   so I slept on a park bench last night..no hobo

   i named my two goldfish 1 and 2, because if 1 died I still had 2

   After much prayer and months of careful thought, I have decided the next season, season 25 will be the last season of the Oprah Winfrey Show.

   thinks that some days it would be nice to build a life size "Whack-a-Mole" game, and choose 9 lucky people to put in it!

   I caught my daughter playing with the power outlet. She gave herself quite a shock. I had to ground her.

   There's a time and place for everything. It's called college.

   Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to talk and walk,then the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

   Refuse's to watch anything twilight or new moon, for the same reason he does not eat anything soy, He's afraid what too much estrogen might do to his body.

   Refuse's to watch anything twilight or new moon, for the same reason he does not eat anything soy, He's afraid what too much estrogen might do to his body.

   A box of kittens is more scary then the vampires of Twilight.

   remembers when Vampires were Scary, not Sexy...

   It does'nt matter how hot she is,,, there is someone else out there who is sick of her $h!t

   It dont get no better, it just get different