Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I knew that I could outdrive Tiger Woods

   If sex is a pain in the arse,then you're doing it wrong.

   I wonder if crematoriums give discount to people who die in a fire?

   dear Santa, let me explain...

   I was wrapping Christmas presents for various people;17 to be exact. It wasn't until I placed the last present on top of the stack that I realized I didn't put gift tags on any of them. FML

   Let's put the kid's to bed and play with the box they came in!

   If you were this awesome, your name would be X as well.

   Been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out & my pants off but that doesn't narrow it down much.

   A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

   Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

   I saw an unemployed,homeless dwarf. He had a sign that said "No job. Too small."

   This Christmas, let's put misteltoe in our back pockets so all the people who hate us can kiss our ass!

   never meddles in the affairs of dragons, for he is crunchy and good with ketchup

   if it wasnt for bad luck, i'd have no luck at all!!!

   If I was a jumper the first place i'd jump is right into megans fox's panties..:)

   Theres a party tonight. Climb my leg and you can have a ball..

   You're not a douche because you paint your face and dress up with spikes on your shoulder pads, you're a douche because you're a Raiders fan!!!

   heard Tiger Woods drive hit a sprinkler head and then went into the trees.

   thinking..Tiger driving and hitting trees is nothing new, but I will bet he hasn't hit one off a fire hydrant before.

   worried that my latest Salvation Army donation will result in homeless people looking like sluts from the 90s