Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   went to a doctor and got tested positive.. for being the shiittt!

   Life is hard. After all, it kills you.

   I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.

   I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it

   I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.

   I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries.

   Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

   Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

   Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

   Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

   A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths

   passed a homeless guy on the way to the Coinstar machine today. "Sorry, I have no change"...man was that awkward.....

   Either my memory is getting shorter or the commercials are getting longer. Either way,by the time the shows back on,i've forgotten what I was watching!

   What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? Sexual harassment. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? $2.50 a minute.

   When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets

   I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark

   Where is the “good” in goodbye?

   If your gonna be two faced at least make one of em pretty!

   With fame I become more and more stupid, which of course is a very common phenomenon.

   My smoking might be bothering you, but it's killing me.