Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Back in my day, evolution simply meant a more badass Pokemon.

   Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I donno, I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me-- no, don't sue me. That is opposite the point I'm trying to make.

   insecure and naturally picks on those who are weaker than himself to give him some demented sense of self worth.

   I'm not a millionaire. I thought I would be by the time I was thirty, but I wasn't even close. Then I thought maybe by forty, but by forty I had less money than I did when I was thirty.

   Just walked in the shower with my socks on....AGAIN

   A South Korean woman passed her written driving exam on the 950th try, taking the test every day for four years. She then went to a random typewriter and banged out a Shakespearean play.

   ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

   I remember when the candleshop caught on fire. Everyone just stood around singing "Happy Birthday".

   my wife cooks more on Café World! then she does here at home at least the the virtual people are eating well

   How much horsepower does your horse have?

   Idea for a Christmas Party: Have two guys dress as Jesus and Santa Claus. One brings wine the other brings Eggnog with vodka. Santa brings his 12 reindeer playboy bunnies. All at your mother-in-law's house. ONE BIG JINGLE FOR THE YEAR.

   FACEBOOK + CHRISTMAS = Endless status updates reminding you what month it is. Not to mention pages and pages of people's Xmas pics.

   wondering if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

   I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

   I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

   I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

   I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

   Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

   thank you for keeping me sober facebook....you are another source of support and you dont have any idea...i check in with friends and it keeps me busy...thank you

   if we all have underware we like and don't like why don't we throw away the ones we don't like and buy more of the ones we do like.