Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my life may not be perfect, my life may not be pretty, my life may have its ups and its downs. my life has its joy7s and its tears but it is my life

   that one day I may care......but not today

   feeling down and the only one who can cheer her up is nowhere to be seen

   we all make mistakes in our lives, just be strong enough to pick youself up, dust it off & walk away with your head held high. no one is perfect

   gonna by my kid a pack of batteries with a note that says toy not included.

   if the truth hurts. why are you not crying?

   REPOST!! URGENT FACEBOOK UPDATE: As of today, Facebook staff will be allowed to eat your children and pets. To turn this option off, go to settings, then privacy, then meals. Click the top two boxes to prevent the employees of Facebook from eating your be

   f you don't know, as of today, Facebook will automatically start plunging the Earth into the Sun. To change this option, go to Settings: then Planetary Settings: then Trajectory: then UN-CLICK the box that says 'Apocalypse.' Facebook kept this one quiet.

   pretending I'm a rock super star with Barney karaoke !!!

   As of today, Facebook staff will be allowed to eat your kids and pets. To turn this option off, go to Settings, then Privacy, then Meals. Click the top button to not feed the employees of Facebook. Copy this to your status to warn your friends!

   hiding in the T.A.R.D.I.S. hiding from the Daleks.

   Statistics show that kids between the ages of 2 and 8 believe that Sponge Bob Square Pants is actually a cheese....

   I'm my best friend, and I'm my worst enemy

   The very existence of the flamethrowers status proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to contribute, but I am not original."

   Guy: I have a girlfriend. Girl: I have 2 goldfish. Guy: Wtf??? Girl: Oh, I thought we were talking about things that didn't matter

   this status has been blocked by your manditory internet censorship filter for your own good.

   is upset that facebook won't let him start a relationship with himself

   Man is it cold outside...just want to give a shout out to whoever invented the padded bra...THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!

   In an ideal world I would have all ten fingers on my left hand so my right hand could just me a fist for punching.

   not only is band not a sport, it's just stupid. honestly. I want to watch football not freaks dressed up in some of the gayest costumes ever prance around the field