Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just accidentally dropped a bowling ball on my bed and my wine glass fell over. I wish I had Tempur-pedic bed

   Just left Walmart, to get out of there, I had to strangle 6 moms, run over 12 kids, and kick 1 grandma in a scooter. There goes my present from Santa.

   poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

   Dont sweat the petty things, Pet the sweaty things

   If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

   Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered

   Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? - You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit

   took my car to the mechanic yesterday to look at my brakes. he said I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

   hated it when old aunts and uncles used to come up to him at weddings, poke him in the ribs and cackle, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

   wonderin if this will be the year. Santa hasn't visited me since I moved out the first time. Can't figure it out!

   MISSING: Sultry dark haired nymphomaniac. Likes 2 have hair pulled & be tied up. Please return immediately as she may be dangerous! I am a trained professional

   this monkeys wings aren't real!!! That guy screwed me, these aren't flying monkeys at all!!!!

   2 dyslexics run into a bank and shout "air in the hands mother stickers this is a f**k up

   Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

   Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings….'

   watching p0rn and eating doritos !

   If I call you a "HO" these final days of 2009, it's only for the holiday purposes... *smirks*

   hates Know-It-Alls, because if you really knew it all, you would know I think you a shmuck!

   Wants Santa to bring me one of the hot girls thats on his naughty list

   wondering why iceland is green and greenland is ice? Silly Vikings!