Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dammmmn right I'm good in bed I can sleep for days

   just had my LEFT side removed. I'm all RIGHT now

   I'm so sorry you must think I actually value your opinion!

   Cheers to alcohol the cause of and solution to all life's problems.

   BE NICE to kids...SERIOUSLY they have weapons now!!!

   sometimes I wish I was a monkey so I could throw poo at people--like you!

   Thinks your so fake..you make barbie look real!!!!!!

   doesn't have to make sense to be funny!

   He said " I dont know why you were a bra, you have nothing to put in it." She says "Well you wear pants dont you?"

   Your 90% the reason why I get up every morning the other 10% is because I have to pee...

   wants you to think of the word "Politics". Poly means "many" and "ticks" are blood sucking creatures.

   Do Not Disturb I I am already disturbed enough

   must save their Midevil babes from the evil "robot-us'es" and win the Battle of the Bands. The future of the world depends on it!

   more confused than a chameleon in a box of Smarties.

   just pondering the fact that Jeffrey Dahmer is really the only person whose bologna really did have a first name!

   Ran into a flasher today, but it's so cold out he handed me a picture instead!

   Lots of people know that when a bell rings, an angel gets its wings. What they don't know is every time a mousetrap goes off, an angel gets set on fire.

   if you're just gonna quit going to the gym in a couple weeks then please don't pack the gyms now. thanks!

   supports the health cares 10% tax addition to tanning.....as long as I dont have to be the one to tell the cast of Jersey Shore.

   ...its -4 out and snow is on it's way tomorrow...so much for this global warming they talk about...although they'll probably blame the cold on the hole in the ozone layer or cow farts...