Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I used to live in a pineapple under the sea. But I lost it in a forclosure. Now some yellow guy lives there.

   Our boss called the office together this morning to show us where all the plug sockets are. I hate power point presentations.....

   A little boy who had diarhea said to his mom, "I need viagra" she said for what? He said "Well isn't that what you give dad to make his sh*t hard?"

   Just got a new dog..Named him " Stay " Freaks all our friends out when we say" Come Here...Stay "

   my best friend said the best sex he ever had was with a cougar......i don't even like big cats

   February 14, 2010 will now be known as "Singles Awareness Day. F you to all the candymakers, cardmakers, jewlers, florists, and Cupid!

   Eight hundred pairs of underwear were stolen from a clothing store today. The police are making a brief inquiry

   wondering; why do people on facebook, when they find a -public- photo album to someone they dont know, feel like they've won a million ???

   SFOL #16: You aren't insecure due to some traumatic experience that happened when you were a child—unless that experience was the realization that you suck and no one likes you.

   so old that I can remember when colonel sanders was a private

   knows that cougars roar all night, pumas growl all night, & kitty cats meow all night. I still love my cougars though.

   if you feel that the window of opportunity is closed to you, just pick up a rock and smash that f*er to pieces!

   People piss me off like the ones who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

   A guy with a steering wheel sticking out the front of his pants walks into a bar. The bartender sees him and says "heyt. There's a steering wheel sticking out the front of your pants." The guy says " yeah, and it's driving me nuts".

   Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.

   hopes he made no one uncomfortable while staring at their stats...

   thinking that if ýou make someones day by posting a silly status and never denying that its someone elses ides, whats the harm?

   wondering why books on "How to make women happy" aren't displayed in the 'FICTION' section

   Would rather tell a thousand truths and draw a thousand tears, than a lie, and see a thousand forged smiles.

   ..met her ex at the gym. We didnt workout..